Let's get this straight. Right here. Right now.

I don't care who you are - Craig David (he's Craig David, you know), Madonna, Tom Jones, Prince or Cher - the first time you plan to get up on that stage and perform your own material to a crowd of people you don't know, you are buying a one way ticket to Trouble in Tummy Town.

So here's your step by step guide to getting through the shits and playing your hits.

ONE - Get yourself some material you are proud of. It's amazing how many people seem to forget that part. And I don't mean pride (in the name of love) in a self-centred, egotistical sense; I mean pride in that you think the songs will entertain and not make you look / sound like a fool.

How do you know that your songs are good? Well… some people just know. It's part of their gift. Others need to be encouraged by hearing their friends respond positively to the songs. Don't ask your parents, by the way, they don't count. "Aww, but, Dan, my mum IS my best friend…" Too bad. All the more reason not to take your mum's opinion as gospel.

Pick the friends whose opinions you actually trust. Play them some stuff. If they think your songs suck the likelihood is they'll say that they're really good. If they think they're really great the likelihood is they'll say that they're really good. Back at square one? Well, the proof of the pudding will come in the requests for second helpings. Or requests for the recipe. If your friends were just being, well… friendly, then they'll probably not want seconds of your pudding and if offered the pudding again may politely bring up their new fad diet which precludes any of your brand of pudding.

Alright, enough of the pudding thing, already. My point is - people will be nice but you'll know when they really think you're good.

Of course, there is the argument that states that you're right and they're wrong - what the fuck do they know about music anyway? Jesus! How come you even still hang out with these people? Christ! School was years ago - you've moved on - they're static - they're dead inside - you have the vision - the dream - the pudding… And, well, if that's your bag then I would say you could have skipped the whole of this last point because you're ready to play and have been ready to play for ages. I have wasted some of your life. Sorry. But I'm probably about to do it again. Get out while you can, songbird. Go play a song.

Wasn't there a point to point one?

Oh, yeah, be proud of your material. Sure, you can lack as much confidence in yourself as you like (that's where the drinking comes in - that's half the fun - but I'll come to that later), but you gotta like your own songs and believe in them, otherwise… Otherwise… What are you doing?

TWO - Go to a few Open Mics and check out the form, the rules, the dress code, the times, the competition, the best place to get served at the bar… Make no mistake, my friend - this is a war and the closer you get to treating the whole thing as a military operation and be prepared (OK, OK, it's more like a Scouts operation…!) the closer you'll be to pulling off a successful campaign. Go there, without your guitar, flute, kazoo, whatever, and just check it out. Get a feel for the place. Work the room a little. Talk to a couple of people there who play.

"Oh, my god! How will I talk to these people who are musicians, and geniuses, and have played there for years - I am not worthy, I can't think of anything to say…"

Oh, please. Wanna talk to an Open Mic player? - go up to them and say "Hey, you were really good - do you play here a lot?" Bingo! You have just given the doggie a bone and his or her tail will be wagging for an hour. Compliments, baby, compliments - the Open Mic currency. Remember: an Open Mic performer was (and probably still is) as insecure as you. They will love to talk to someone who wants to talk about them. Remember - no one here has a record deal. If they did - you wouldn't see them playing there. You just get chatting about them, the Open Mic night, how they got started (not too much, now, though - you don't want them to think you're about to request Misty any minute), and as a rule you'll get a reasonable conversation out of a reasonable human being for 10 or 20 minutes. After that they'll want to go home. 'Cos they've played. Their other friend has played. It's late. Blah, blah. Ciao.

And if someone tells you to fuck off, then fuck off and talk to someone else. They can kiss your ass in a year's time when they want a backstage pass to your gig.

So - sound it out. And, this links to point one, if everyone there sounds fantastic and you think you're not ready… Go again the next week to double check. Likelihood is you were kind of overawed and dazzled by the headlights. If your stuff still sounds bad next to the whole night's entertainment the following week and you think you have to practice more and write better stuff… Well, then, maybe you do.

BUT if your stuff just sounds different to the rest - well, that doesn't make it worse. And you could be the new life that the night (the world?) has been desperately waiting for.

At the end of the day - it's your call.

THREE - When you go down don't go down alone. Take a friend, if you can. Preferably one worse than you at everything. Convince that person that they're great and that you want them to play too. Then get them to play before you. They will whine - you will shine.

If this sounds irredeemably selfish and cruel - that's because it is.

But you'd be hard pressed to knock its effectiveness on the battlefield, my friend.

(Of course - this links to point one again - if one of your friends asks YOU to come with them to their first open mic night… Time to rethink your songs, your music and enquire into the price of hiring a hit man.)

But, there is a valid thing-a-me buried beneath all this spite - simply that if you don't have to do it all alone then don't. Take a friend to play with you too. Just don't take your mate who plays like Clapton and sings like Joplin.

FOUR - Get ferociously drunk.*

Seriously.

Drunk as a lord. Out of your face. Shitted.

It's the only way to do it. And although this may not sit so well with previously mentioned military operations and doing the best you can with your best material, I urge you to ignore everything I have written before and hear only this:

Drink like a fiend - fly like a bird - play like a god - sing like a… a bird… that's flying like a fiend… drunker than a god singing drunk… Erm… what number point is this now…?

FIVE - Remember, after you play and none of the staff of the night have thrown themselves at your feet begging you to do a gig on a 'proper night', that's not because you suck necessarily, but because you've only played two songs there once. Go again a few times. And then ASK THE ORGANISER for a gig. A sad fact is that, as a rule, you have to approach them not the other way round. So get up there. Get practised. Get experienced. Get a haircut. Get a gig. And get to the bar!

Mine's a Guinness.

Good luck.

I hope to see / hear you soon.

*Please be aware that you should in no way attempt any of these self-indulgent and stupid abuses of alcohol without a safety net and the understanding that you will probably fuck up every chord you play. There are plenty of people who perform very well without the need to be drunk* and you could be one of them. Do whatever you have to do. Go for it.

*They all use cocaine and shag ponies.

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See and hear Article Dan in The Money Shot

Dealing With Your First Performance ©2001 Article Dan & Virtually Acoustic
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